Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
You Might Also Like
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
My kitchen overserved me.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?