Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
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[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.