Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

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Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”


Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl


Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.


“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”


nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl


It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…


John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring


It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.


I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”