Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
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Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
All is fair in drunk and war.
nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”