Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show