Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
You Might Also Like
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery