“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
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My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.