Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
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No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
i can’t work under these festive conditions
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?