Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
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me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
me when I see my crush
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.