Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
You Might Also Like
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.