Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back

Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later

Me: Perfect, send it