Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
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[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Easy enough.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
They’re called werewolves.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.