Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
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[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
Everyone’s family
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.