Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

mariah carrie

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care

$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.