Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
December birthdays be like…
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
New nose
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice