Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅