Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
shakira sharkira
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.