Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.