Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
This is a true ally.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.