Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁