Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

I’d rather go liquor treating.

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside