Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Uh oh 👀
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
#dalle2
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Remember folks 😂
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.