Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
War & Peace
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.