Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.