Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
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People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
There is no “we” in pizza
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*