Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
