Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Welcome to the stomach
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.