Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

Who’s ready for Friday?!

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

They got Raph!

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late