Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
You Might Also Like
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?