Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.