Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.