Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.