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If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.