Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

gm

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.