ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.