ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

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I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.


Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.


I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account


The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse


y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it


Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!

Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.


The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I’m tweeting this from inside his trunk.


Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.


[first date]

Her: I absolutely love animals

Me: me too, they’re delicious