@jonnysun

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

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@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

@clichedout

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

@PMTheron1

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

@ProdigyNelson

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

@Shenaniglenns

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

@AngryBlkManDC

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

@charliedelta7

I like taking my cats out for a drive to show them roadkill so they know what will happen if they ever leave me.

@davidschneider

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

@abuya_henry

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.