“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I like taking my cats out for a drive to show them roadkill so they know what will happen if they ever leave me.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
Me : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.