@jonnysun

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

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@JerryThomas

I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.

@SavoirFail

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

@david8hughes

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

@CArmanthegirl

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

@notviking

y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!

Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.

@BadassBarbie11

The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I’m tweeting this from inside his trunk.

@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

@DaddyJew

[first date]

Her: I absolutely love animals

Me: me too, they’re delicious