Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.