ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves