Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

that colleague who touches your screen

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working