ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
You Might Also Like
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
dutch is not a serious language
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…