ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
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I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
what do you want
$3 #books
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks