Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….