*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
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Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.