*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Sharon, call the vet
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.