Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.