Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

What

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam