ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
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FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
dril cadence
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
I went from rags to one rag.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.