Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
You Might Also Like
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.