Ad placement of the day
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Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial