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STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball