[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
You Might Also Like
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
No. YOU-buprofen.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”