Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.