ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
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[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Sign at work today
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
nature’s most graceful animal
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
😂 amazing answer
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed