Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

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Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.