Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

shut up and take my money

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

🤣

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes