adam and eve had first world problems
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Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My dad.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Tell the colonel to bring it
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what