Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Camel dough

Finally a use for spoilers…

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?