[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
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Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King