Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Genius idea!!
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.