Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
