Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️