Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
CUTE CAT‼︎
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Have a lovely day 😊
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”