Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!