Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Every
Single
Year
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.