Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
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ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other