Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
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[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating