I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“That’s what” – She
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.